For Meenu, the first signs of change arrived not as hot flashes, but as a profound shift in her emotional endurance. At 43, she found herself less willing to tolerate situations she had previously brushed aside. "Things I had earlier adjusted to without much thought began to feel heavier," she recalls. Initially attributing it to general fatigue, she later understood this was the onset of perimenopause—a phase where her nervous system began demanding honesty, rest, and emotional reciprocity after years of suppression.
The Unseen Strain: When Hormonal Shifts Expose Marital Cracks
Meenu's experience is far from isolated. Across India, women navigating perimenopause and menopause report a common pattern that extends beyond physical symptoms to fundamentally alter their relationships. They describe a dwindling capacity to absorb emotional drains, a reduced willingness to smooth over discomfort, and a startling new clarity about what they will no longer tolerate. In long-term marriages, this newfound clarity can land as a seismic disruption, sometimes culminating in what is now being termed a 'menodivorce'—a separation triggered or accelerated during the menopausal transition.
Pallavi, 49, experienced this shift as a shrinking of her emotional bandwidth. "I became less willing to explain, justify, or absorb things that drained me," she says. "At the time, I thought I was becoming 'difficult'. Only later did I realise it was clarity, not irritability." This phenomenon is gaining global recognition. As a 2024 Vice report notes, the hormonal changes and life transitions accompanying menopause can strain marriages, causing partners to drift apart.
Data from India, though limited, hints at this trend. Research published on ResearchGate in 2024 shows marital dissolution rates rising with age: 1.04% for women aged 15-24, 1.42% for those 25-34, and 1.72% for women 35 and older. Older Census data analysed by researcher P Dommaraju reveals that divorce and separation rates for Indian women peak around ages 40-44—precisely when perimenopause typically begins.
The Physiology Behind the Fracture: More Than Just Mood Swings
Dr. Madhuri Vidyashankar, a consultant gynaecologist at Motherhood Hospitals, Bengaluru, explains the biological underpinnings. Menopause triggers a drop in oestrogen, progesterone, and androgens, which disrupts neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine. This leads to mood swings, irritability, anxiety, and reduced sexual desire—all of which strain intimate relationships. Partners often misread these physiological changes as personal rejection.
"Sleep disturbance becomes common due to hormonal shifts affecting circadian rhythms, which further worsens emotional regulation," adds Dr. Sakshi Mandhyan, psychologist and founder of Mandhyan Care. "The body is working harder to maintain balance, leaving fewer resources for emotional suppression."
In her practice, Dr. Vidyashankar notes that 20-30% of her patients raise concerns about relationship strain during this phase. However, a significant disconnect exists: while 85% present with physical symptoms like hot flashes, the relational distress often goes unrecognised. A critical barrier is awareness; she states that nearly 50% of men lack knowledge about menopause altogether, leaving couples without a shared language to navigate the crisis.
A Catalyst, Not a Cause: The Reckoning of a Lifetime
Health psychologist and art therapist Puja Roy frames menopause as a profound identity transition, often coinciding with other midlife shifts like ageing parents and children gaining independence. "Many women tell me this is when the body stops cooperating with old coping strategies like over-giving, staying quiet, or constantly adjusting," she explains. The recurring theme in therapy sessions is: 'I'm tired of being the one who holds everything together.'
Roy and counselling psychologist Nandita Kalra emphasise that menopause is rarely the cause of marital breakdown—it is a catalyst. "It does not create problems so much as expose dynamics that were already present," says Roy. Kalra adds, "It arrives as a reckoning. Many women describe it as the moment they can no longer override themselves." For many, it marks a movement from a life organised around duty to one organised around dignity and self-presence.
Seethalakshmi, 37, in the midst of perimenopause, found that awareness was her saving grace. "Before I recognised these as perimenopausal symptoms, my erratic behaviour did create some friction," she admits. "However, once I gained perspective... it became easier to navigate them and have open conversations with my husband." The strength of her 15-year marriage provided a crucial foundation. Alisha, 35, experienced increased assertiveness. "Less tolerance to bullshit and more confidence to not be gaslighted," she describes, though notes her partner has yet to fully link her changes to perimenopause.
Navigating the Transition: Communication as the Key
To prevent rupture, experts recommend a proactive approach. Roy suggests couples view this phase as a transition rather than a crisis. This involves slowing down, listening without trying to fix, and staying curious. "Naming menopause openly helps prevent changes from being personalised as rejection or failure," she states. Renegotiating roles and expectations with honesty and empathy is crucial.
In India, cultural stigma and patriarchal norms create formidable barriers. Dr. Vidyashankar points out that women conditioned to prioritise family over self-care often postpone intervention, worsening long-term outcomes. She advocates for gynaecologists to proactively educate couples about emotional and relational shifts and integrate partner involvement into care plans.
Kalra offers insight into the urgency many women feel: "The sense of time becomes real. Many women quietly realise, 'If not now, then when?'" This clarity, coupled with a weakening fear of abandonment, leads to a refusal to consent to arrangements that require self-erasure. For Pallavi, setting firmer boundaries led to a more balanced relationship over time. Seethalakshmi wishes more couples had a heads-up about this roller-coaster phase, noting that safety nets and open communication can allow couples to embrace the ride rather than fear it.
