In a powerful reflection on identity and authenticity, Delhi-based child and systemic psychologist Tvarita Iyer Vemuri presents a compelling narrative on the journey of self-discovery for women. Published on January 4, 2026, her piece argues that a woman's true essence is not found when life grants her permission, but in the moment she ceases to wait for it.
The Burden of Inhaled Identities
Vemuri describes a common, yet profound, realization that many women experience. It is the quiet understanding that they have been living as an idea of a person, shaped by external expectations, rather than as their authentic selves. This awakening is not marked by dramatic epiphanies but arrives subtly, like noticing a lingering perfume chosen not for oneself, but because someone else deemed it suitable.
From a young age, girls are often handed roles—the sensible one, the calm one, the one who doesn't make trouble. Raised to treat approval like oxygen, they inhale these descriptions until they feel indistinguishable from their own identity. Psychology terms this process introjection, where external expectations are absorbed so deeply they become part of the self. For the women living it, this often masquerades as decorum, good upbringing, or cultural compliance.
The Unraveling of the Performance
Over time, women become fluent in performing a version of themselves designed to please others. The nervous system learns that safety lies in being agreeable, the mind learns that love follows compliance, and the body tenses to suppress honest feelings. By adulthood, many become emotional contortionists, bending themselves to fit into spaces defined by others' comfort, often at the cost of their own breath and peace.
However, a shift inevitably occurs. This trigger can be diverse:
- Moving to a new place.
- Falling in love with someone who sees the real person behind the performance.
- Leaving a relationship that demanded silence.
- Simply reaching an age where the weight of pretending becomes unbearable.
When this happens, the inner world's voice grows louder than the external chorus of expectations. This is not an identity crisis, Vemuri clarifies, but an identity reveal. Women begin to see their own patterns with clear eyes: the hesitant pause before saying no, the softened tone to avoid conflict, the rehearsed opinions swallowed back, and the persistent guilt that surfaces when they choose themselves—a guilt inherited from generations of women rewarded for shrinking.
The Journey Back to the Self
Questioning these ingrained patterns can be unsettling, causing the nervous system to tremble against this new, unfamiliar path. Yet, the journey continues. Women start answering questions without scanning the room for approval. They recognize the sound of their own genuine laughter. They admit to desires they had dismissed as silly and begin to unpack the anger stored away, buried under layers of "good girl" expectations.
This process is a profound psychological transformation. The nervous system rewrites its old scripts, the inner child learns to feel safe with self-expression, and a lifetime of emotional labour is gradually replaced by emotional honesty. This path is not without its sorrow. There is grief for the years spent performing, the passions postponed, and the voice that was muted. Yet, this grief is not tragic; it is the necessary process of making space for the authentic self to emerge.
The beautiful discovery, as Vemuri notes, is that the real self is not "too much"—it is simply fuller and more vibrant than the edited version the world preferred. The pursuit shifts from a life that looks good from the outside to one that feels good from the inside. Values are reordered: peace over politeness, truth over tolerance, and genuine presence over constant performance.
Ultimately, this unfolding leads to a powerful, almost cinematic moment: she meets herself. It is a reunion with a person who feels both new and deeply familiar—the person she was before the world began its edits. The core truth, as articulated by Tvarita Iyer Vemuri, is that becoming yourself is not a grand transformation but a quiet homecoming. A woman doesn't truly discover herself when life finally gives her permission. She discovers herself the moment she stops waiting for it.
