It is bad enough how inadequate our sex life usually feels. These feelings are intensified by the perception that we live in a liberated age, where others must be engaging in sexual relations with frequency, confidence, and joy. We, with our private struggles, must surely be the un-liberated outliers. In committed relationships, such self-criticism can be even more severe. After all, is modern love not inseparable from frequent and fulfilling sex with a long-term partner? Should every good marriage not be enlivened by constant desire?
Rethinking Sexual Norms
Consider the opposite perspective: that good sex is actually a rarity. British philosopher Alain de Botton makes this case in his 2012 book, How to Think More About Sex. He challenges the notion of 'normal' sexual behavior, including how much sex one should be having. De Botton advises people to recalibrate their expectations and stop berating themselves for the inevitable realities of biological life.
The Pressure of Perceived Norms
Society often projects an image of effortless sexual fulfillment, especially for those in long-term relationships. This creates a damaging cycle of comparison and self-doubt. Many individuals feel they are failing if their sex life does not match these idealized standards. However, De Botton argues that such expectations are unrealistic and rooted in cultural myths rather than human nature.
Embracing Imperfection
Instead of striving for an unattainable ideal, De Botton encourages acceptance of the natural ebbs and flows of desire. Sexual satisfaction is not a constant state but a variable experience influenced by stress, health, and emotional connection. By letting go of guilt and shame, couples can foster more honest communication and reduce performance anxiety.
Key takeaways from De Botton's philosophy include:
- Good sex is rare and should be appreciated when it occurs, not expected as a baseline.
- Comparing one's sex life to others is futile because behind closed doors, everyone faces challenges.
- Sexual desire fluctuates; it is normal to have periods of low interest.
- Redefining success in relationships beyond sexual frequency can lead to greater intimacy.
Conclusion
The pressure to maintain a vibrant sex life can be overwhelming, but it is often self-imposed. By acknowledging that sexual struggles are common and not a reflection of personal failure, we can relieve ourselves of unnecessary guilt. Alain de Botton's insights remind us that the quest for 'normal' sex is misguided; instead, we should focus on authentic connection and self-compassion.
