Seagulling in Dating: The Toxic Trend of Swooping, Grabbing, and Guarding
Have you ever found yourself stuck in that confusing and frustrating gray area of dating, where someone gives you just enough attention to keep you interested but never enough to make you feel truly valued in a relationship? This exhausting limbo, where they don't want to be with you but also don't want anyone else to be, is a common experience for many. If this sounds familiar, you might be dealing with a "seagull"—the latest dating trend that is taking over social media and therapy sessions, and it is as messy and harmful as it sounds.
The Seagull Metaphor: Swoop, Grab, and Guard
Imagine you are at the beach with a bag of fries. A seagull doesn't hover around to get to know you; it dives in, snatches a fry, and then aggressively screams at every other bird that tries to approach. The bird isn't necessarily starving—it just doesn't want anyone else to enjoy what you have. In the dating world, a "seagull" behaves in a strikingly similar manner. They swoop into your life when they are bored or need an ego boost, grab your attention, and then fiercely guard their "territory" the moment you attempt to move on. They seek the benefits of your love and companionship without the burden of a title or commitment, making it a clear power move. They thrive on the control of knowing you are waiting by the phone, even if they have no intention of actually calling.
Three Telltale Signs You Are Dealing with a Seagull in Your Love Life
Seagulling is particularly effective and toxic because it is subtle, often mimicking genuine interest just enough to keep you confused. Here are three key signs to help you identify if you are being toyed with:
- The "Breadcrumbing" Rollercoaster: One week, they are sending you memes, planning tentative dates, and liking all your social media posts and stories. The next week, they completely disappear. This isn't merely being busy; it is a calculated strategy to keep you addicted to the dopamine hit of their return. You end up chasing the crumbs of the person they were earlier, while they vanish for days on end.
- The "Gatekeeping" Maneuver: This is a classic indicator of a seagull. If you try to pull away, mention returning to dating apps, or go out with someone else, watch how quickly they reappear. They suddenly become the most charming and attentive version of themselves, aiming to sabotage your fresh start. They don't want you to leave them, even if they are unwilling to commit to you.
- The "Secret Snack" Syndrome: You might have been dating for months, but you haven't met any of their friends, you aren't featured on their social media, and the idea of meeting their parents feels alien. To a seagull, you are a convenience—a secret snack kept in the pantry for when they are hungry, but never something they are proud to showcase publicly.
Why It Is Toxic—And How to Shoo Them Away
Seagulling is a form of emotional manipulation that can erode your self-worth over time. Every time you think you have finally moved on, they pop back up to drain your energy, leaving you questioning why you aren't "good enough" for a real commitment. Remember, the problem isn't your value; it is their inability to act like an adult. Here are three steps to break free:
- Demand Clarity: Use your words and ask directly, "What are we actually doing here?" A seagull will typically dodge the question or give vague responses about not being ready for labels. That is your cue to exit the situation.
- Stop Accepting Crumbs: If they only reach out when it is convenient for them, stop being available. Your time is a premium resource and should not be treated as a backup plan.
- Close the Buffet: Sometimes, you need to stop being the "fry" on the beach. Consider blocking their number, muting their social media stories, and focusing on people who genuinely want to walk beside you, not just swoop in when they are bored.
Dating should feel like a steady, mutual flight—not a frantic scramble to protect your heart from a scavenger. You deserve someone who stays for the whole meal, not just the highlights. Have you experienced seagulling in your dating life? Share your stories and insights to help others recognize and avoid this toxic trend.
