Explaining Separation to an Adopted Child: A Mother's Journey with Media as a Guide
Over the past year, I have faced the profound challenge of explaining the concept of separation to my eight-year-old daughter, Meera. Meera, who was adopted at the age of five-and-a-half, already grapples with anxiety rooted in her early experiences. She was found abandoned at a railway station when she was just three-and-a-half years old, taken to a police station, and eventually placed in an adoption center. According to Meera, her mother left her on the road, promising to return but never doing so. This background adds layers of complexity to our conversations about family dynamics and change.
Using Films to Foster Understanding and Connection
During the festive season, particularly the Christmas-to-New Year week, Meera and I embraced a slower pace by watching films that touch on themes of loneliness and separation. We viewed That Christmas (2024), Simon Otto's directorial debut, which follows a 10-year-old boy and his single mother, a professional caregiver. The film delicately explores loneliness, such as through a teacher who lives alone after losing her husband in war, while gently explaining changes to reassure children they are not alone. Similarly, films like How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000) and The Christmas Chronicles (2018) have served as valuable tools. A friend even shared how, in the 1980s and 1990s, films like Zakhm (1998) and Masoom (1983) helped her explain parental conflict from a child's perspective, highlighting how media can bridge emotional gaps across generations.
Addressing Tough Questions and Building a Support System
In June 2025, during a summer break in Goa, Meera began asking pointed questions about our family dynamics, such as Why don't we live together? and Why don't we holiday together as a family? It's important to note that my husband is a responsible and strong coparent who spends quality time with Meera. Although we haven't formally explained separation to her yet, his efforts have helped build a strong foundation, hopefully diminishing her fears. Becoming a mother overnight to a five-and-a-half-year-old in my 40s was a difficult transition, compounded by Meera's anxiety and abandonment issues. Parenthood has felt like walking a tightrope, but I'm grateful for the support of friends during this complex journey. They provided clothes, toys, books, and conversations, teaching me a crucial lesson as an adoptive parent: build an army of supporters to navigate this path.
Leveraging Books and Workshops for Emotional Guidance
To better communicate with Meera, I turned to resources like How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, a parenting bible since the 1980s. Its relevance today is undeniable, offering examples of parental dilemmas when children face difficult emotions. This came alive when I joined an online parenting workshop by Mumbai-based coach Kruti Desai Khaitan, who delved into these books and provided guidance on answering Meera's big questions. Practical tools emerged, such as:
- Daily 20-minute playdates between mom and child.
- Ripping anger into rough paper to release emotions.
- Screaming sadness into pillows as a coping mechanism.
These strategies helped us work as a team to manage emotions. Additionally, Canadian author Gabor Mate's books, like Scattered Minds: The Origins and Healing of Attention Deficit Disorder, offered insights into how anxiety and abandonment issues manifest in children, often through loud voices or destructive hands, exacerbated by parental separation. Clinical psychologist Shefali Tsabary's The Parenting Map emphasized the urgency of addressing our own childhood fears as adults to parent more effectively.
Children's Perspectives and Relatable Stories in Indian Contexts
While parents can learn from various resources, books from children's viewpoints are equally valuable. For instance, The List of Things That Will Not Change by Rebecca Stead follows an eight-year-old who keeps a diary of constants amid her parents' separation. In an Indian context, books like Bigger Happy Family by Tanuj Khosla, Sometimes Mama, Sometimes Papa by Nandini Nayar, and Aditya and The Divorce Fairy by Dr. Suchitra resonate deeply. They feature stories such as Ruhi learning to accept a new family definition after her parents' divorce or a 10-year-old guided by a divorce fairy to accept change. When Meera and I engage with these materials, she often says, I also feel like this at times, which feels like a significant victory. Knowing we aren't alone in this treacherous journey provides immense comfort.
This exploration of separation through films, books, and podcasts has not only helped Meera process her emotions but also strengthened our bond as a family navigating complex transitions together.
