For generations, parents across cultures have recognized a familiar childhood maneuver. A child approaches one parent with the claim, "Mom said I could," then tells the other parent, "Dad already agreed." When this initial strategy fails, the child often escalates by invoking, "Grandma lets me." What appears as a humorous, universal childhood tactic actually provides a revealing window into deep and well-studied dynamics of family psychology, child development, and social power structures.
Children as Strategic Social Actors
Modern developmental psychology has fundamentally shifted from viewing children as passive recipients of adult rules. Contemporary research now understands children as active agents who systematically adapt to, test, and influence their environments. This represents a paradigm of bidirectional influence where parents shape children, but children also significantly shape parental behavior through their interactions.
From remarkably young ages, children learn which specific strategies effectively meet their goals, whether those objectives involve obtaining dessert, securing screen time, or gaining autonomy. When a child declares "Mom said," they are engaging in sophisticated adaptive social learning rather than merely lying or misbehaving. This complex process includes identifying subtle differences in adult authority, systematically testing boundaries, learning negotiation and persuasion techniques, and strategically exploiting inconsistencies when they exist within family systems.
In families where parental responses consistently differ, children quickly learn that authority is not monolithic and that shifting alliances can dramatically change outcomes. This understanding forms the foundation for their strategic social navigation within family structures.
Triangulation in Family Psychology
The most relevant psychological framework for understanding this phenomenon is triangulation, a foundational concept in family systems theory first articulated by Murray Bowen and later expanded by Salvador Minuchin and other prominent researchers. Triangulation occurs when a third party, often a child, becomes drawn into the relationship between two others, typically parents.
This psychological dynamic may serve to reduce tension between adults or allow the child to gain strategic leverage within the family system. Empirical research consistently demonstrates that higher interparental conflict significantly increases the likelihood that children will insert themselves into parental dynamics. Children may assume roles as messengers, mediators, or leverage points within these complex family interactions.
Importantly, triangulation does not require overt conflict between parents. Even subtle disagreement or inconsistency can create psychological space for children to maneuver strategically. Thus, the "Mom said" tactic represents not merely a childhood trick but rather a structural feature of families where authority remains unaligned or inconsistently applied.
Parental Alignment and Consistency
Decades of comprehensive parenting research converge on a fundamental principle: consistent and predictable parenting significantly reduces behavioral conflict and emotional stress in children. Studies examining various parenting styles consistently show that authoritative parenting, which thoughtfully combines warmth with firm and consistent rules, demonstrates strong correlations with better emotional regulation and fewer behavioral problems in children.
Conversely, inconsistent discipline reliably increases boundary testing and negotiation behaviors among children. When rules vary substantially between parents, children naturally become more likely to search systematically for favorable answers. From the child's developmental perspective, this represents rational behavior rather than manipulation. If asking one parent consistently yields different results than asking the other, children logically learn that rules are negotiable rather than stable within their family system.
The behavior persists not because children are inherently manipulative, but because the family system structurally rewards this strategic approach to navigating authority.
Grandparents and Intergenerational Authority
The escalation to "Grandmother said" reflects complex sociological dynamics as much as psychological ones. Families function as multi-layered social systems with overlapping authorities that include parents, grandparents, extended kin, and cultural norms. Sociological research on intergenerational families reveals that grandparents often hold symbolic authority, operate under different disciplinary norms, provide emotional safety, and may unintentionally undermine parental rules through their interactions.
From the child's perspective, grandparents represent an alternative power center that is often emotionally rewarding and less restrictive than parental authority. In cultures where extended family involvement remains particularly strong, children become especially adept at navigating these complex hierarchies. Invoking a grandparent's authority represents not simple rebellion but sophisticated coalition building within a multi-generational social system.
When the Pattern Becomes Chronic
Occasional boundary testing represents developmentally normal behavior in childhood. However, research clearly indicates that chronic triangulation can carry significant emotional costs for children. These potential consequences include increased anxiety from managing adult relationships, feelings of responsibility for adult conflict, confusion about authority and loyalty, and difficulty internalizing rules and limits.
Family therapists therefore emphasize de-triangulation as a therapeutic goal. This involves encouraging parents to communicate directly with each other, align expectations consistently, and consciously avoid placing children in the role of negotiator or messenger between parental authorities.
We connected with Ms. Mehezabin Dordi, Clinical Psychologist at Sir H.N. Reliance Foundation Hospital, to understand the chronic impact of this dynamic on children's development. "Children learn remarkably early that using authority statements like 'my mom said' represents a powerful social tactic," Ms. Dordi explained. "Research on social learning theory and moral development indicates that children naturally generalize the use of authority from home environments to other social contexts."
Ms. Dordi further elaborated that "children frequently invoke the authority of others when they lack personal power, confidence, or clarity of their own position." She emphasized that well-researched findings consistently indicate that exposure to inconsistent or mismatched authority can result in several developmental consequences:
- Externalized decision-making patterns, manifesting as difficulty trusting one's own instincts
- Increased anxiety regarding rules, approval, or "getting it right" in various situations
- Conflict-avoidant communication styles or excessive reliance on authority figures
- In some instances, development of people-pleasing behaviors or over-compliance in adulthood
What This Reveals About Children and Families
The "Mom said, Dad said, Grandma said" phenomenon reveals several research-supported truths about family dynamics and child development. Children demonstrate themselves as astute observers of power structures within their environments. They systematically adapt their behavior to existing family structures rather than creating strategies in isolation. Parental inconsistency creates psychological opportunity for strategic navigation, while extended family relationships further complicate authority landscapes within households.
Most importantly, children's behavior reflects systemic family dynamics rather than merely individual personality traits. Children do not invent these tactics in isolation but discover them because family systems structurally make such strategies possible and often rewarding.
"The use of authority quotes represents a developmental strategy rather than a cause for immediate concern," clarified Ms. Dordi. "It only becomes a psychological issue when children experience consistent deprivation of autonomy and understanding. The therapeutic aim involves not eliminating authority but encouraging children to gradually shift from externalized authority dependence to internalized confidence in their decision-making capacities."
