The Hidden Cost of People Pleasing: A Survival Mechanism in Hierarchical Societies
What often goes by the name of people pleasing is frequently not a voluntary choice but rather a survival response to deeply embedded power structures and social hierarchies. This behavioral pattern represents a way to navigate, seek validation, and fit into social worlds that are fundamentally not designed for everyone's equal participation.
Anila's Story: The Burden of Early Conditioning
Anila, the eldest daughter with two younger brothers, shared her early realization about competing for parental love. "I got a sense very early on that I had to compete to get my parents' love," she explained. "I was a girl, and that too dark-skinned, whereas my brothers were fair. I was the ugly one. I had to take care of my brothers, be obedient and not take up too much space."
This early training followed Anila into other relationships, creating what she described as a persistent pattern of people pleasing. "I am constantly trying to figure out how I should dress, what music I should listen to be seen as cool," she revealed. "I replay every conversation I have had with them to check if I messed up in some way or if they like me. It's as if I am always editing myself."
The Distinction Between Fitting In and Belonging
There exists a crucial difference between fitting in and belonging. The former demands performance to gain membership, while the latter accepts individuals as they are. This distinction is often shaped by social location factors including:
- Gender dynamics and expectations
- Class and economic status
- Caste structures and hierarchies
- Skin color and associated biases
Anila's experience at age fifteen highlighted this distinction dramatically when her youngest brother attacked her with a cricket bat, leaving significant injuries. When she complained to her parents, she was told, "Siblings fight all the time. Don't create drama." This moment revealed that her home was not a safe space because the adults were unwilling to understand her distress.
The Healing Power of Authentic Relationships
After moving to her grandmother's house, Anila discovered a different kind of relationship. With her Dadi, she experienced what it meant to be accepted without performance requirements. "Watching their easy banter," noted psychologist Shelja Sen, "I was reminded once again that we heal in kinship, not in silos."
This contrast became starkly apparent. With her parents, Anila saw herself as a burden, as less than, as unlovable. With her grandmother, she became lighter, freer, and happier without needing to shrink herself to fit in.
Relationships as Membership Categories
Relationships function like various types of memberships in our lives:
- Open Memberships: Relationships that welcome us without demanding constant performance
- Conditional Memberships: Relationships with rigid expectations requiring us to pass tests
- Chosen Memberships: Relationships we actively cultivate and maintain
Anila had been navigating life seeking memberships where she was expected to perform, pose, and perfect herself to gain acceptance. The silent tax of people-pleasing extracted a heavy price: exhaustion, self-doubt, and significant mental health struggles.
Reclaiming Agency Through Membership Evaluation
In therapeutic work, Anila explored what would happen if she flipped the perspective. Instead of seeking memberships from others, she considered what membership status she would assign to people in her life. "This is a game changer," she realized, "as I get to choose rather than wait to be chosen."
This shift invited agency and allowed her to step out of the people-pleasing game. Her evaluation resulted in:
- Platinum Membership: Her grandmother
- Gold Membership: Two close friends and neighbors who consistently supported her
- Silver Membership: Her brothers, with the expectation they learn respect
- Bronze Membership: Her parents, who needed to earn their way up
Understanding Intergenerational Patterns
It would be simplistic to blame parents alone for these dynamics. They often enact intergenerational scripts where worth becomes tied to:
- Gender expectations and roles
- Obedience and compliance requirements
- Physical appearance and skin color biases
As Anila's mother later shared, "Being a working parent of three children is so exhausting that my daughter became invisible to me." This acknowledgment opened space for more honest conversations and relationship rebuilding.
Reflective Questions for Personal Evaluation
Consider these questions for your own relationship evaluations:
- Who would you upgrade to platinum or gold membership in your life?
- What makes these relationships genuinely nourishing and reciprocal?
- Which memberships might need downgrading or revoking due to excessive people-pleasing demands?
- Are there relationships where implicit rules could be renegotiated for mutual restoration?
Navigating Unavoidable Relationships
For relationships we cannot easily exit—whether colleagues, family members, or necessary coexistences—there remains possibility for boundary setting. As one colleague wisely noted, "I don't need them to like me. I just need them to not harm me." This represents a shift from people-pleasing to self-protection.
A Vital Question for Caregivers and Educators
For parents, teachers, and anyone caring for children, a crucial question emerges: What membership would the children in your life give you? This uncomfortable but necessary inquiry demands honesty and deep reflection about how we support children to:
- Maintain their authentic selves without shrinking
- Avoid paying the silent tax of people-pleasing
- Experience relationships that honor their dignity as they are
The journey away from people-pleasing toward authentic relating requires recognizing these patterns as survival responses to hierarchical systems, then consciously choosing different ways of being in relationship—ways that prioritize mutual respect over performance, and belonging over mere fitting in.
