Cheating on your partner is perhaps the worst thing you can do—not just to them, but to yourself. Excuses like, 'It didn't mean anything to me,' won't work in cases of infidelity. Cheating often isn't exactly a planned decision; it is rather instant. You see them across the hall, and suddenly your heart does that thing it shouldn't do. In that moment, it feels almost impossible to resist the urge. Infidelity can destroy both your relationship and self-esteem. Researchers have discovered something unexpected about temptation and commitment. What if there were a way to win that battle, even before it starts?
The Science Behind Temptation
A team of psychologists from Reichman University, Israel, and the University of Rochester, upstate New York, investigated how to reduce the temptation to cheat. They put the question to the test in a series of three double-blind, randomised experiments. The findings are published in the Journal of Sex Research.
Why Do People Cheat on Their Partners?
Infidelity is one of the most damaging forces in romantic relationships. Even seemingly perfect relationships encounter this roadblock. Why do people cheat? According to the study's lead author, Gurit Birnbaum, a professor of psychology at Reichman University (IDC, Herzliya), people are unfaithful for a variety of reasons. Some people may be satisfied with their relationship and still betray their partners. Context is key. 'People often cheat not because they planned to do so. Rather, the opportunity presented itself, and they were too depleted—too tired, too drunk, too distracted—to fight the temptation,' Birnbaum said in a release. Co-author Harry Reis, a psychology professor at the University of Rochester, notes that there are multiple reasons behind cheating. Men are more likely to cheat because their sexual needs are not being met. Women, on the other hand, are more likely to cheat when their emotional needs are not met.
Put Yourself in Your Partner's Shoes
Will stepping into your partner's shoes help to beat the temptation to cheat? The researchers wanted to see whether practising empathy can reduce the temptation to cheat. To understand this, they conducted three studies, which involved 408 participants in total (213 Israeli women and 195 Israeli men) ranging from 20 to 47. The participants were randomly assigned to either adopt the perspective of their partner or not. All the participants were monogamous and in a heterosexual relationship of at least four months. The participants evaluated, encountered, or thought about attractive strangers as part of the research. The psychologists recorded their expressions of interest in these strangers, as well as their commitment to and desire for their current partners.
Transforming 'Me' into 'Us'
The researchers found that stepping into the partner's shoes—seeing things from the partner's perspective—increased commitment and desire for the partner, and reduced sexual and romantic interest in others. They found that this simple form of perspective-taking discourages people from cheating or engaging in behaviours that may hurt their romantic partner and destroy their relationship. 'Perspective-taking doesn't prevent you from cheating, but it lessens the desire to do so. Ultimately, cheating means prioritising one's own goals over the good of the partner and the relationship, so seeing things from the other person's perspective gives one a more balanced view of these situations,' Reis said. Birnbaum added that these findings can help people understand how to resist short-term temptations. 'Active consideration of how romantic partners may be affected by these situations serves as a strategy that encourages people to control their responses to attractive alternative partners and derogate their attractiveness.'
The researchers, however, did not test whether these benefits also affected the participants' partners, but they believe this is likely. Perspective-taking generally builds empathy, understanding, and closeness. Birnbaum added that even if only one partner practises it, both may feel more satisfied with the relationship and therefore be less likely to cheat. Apart from reducing the likelihood of infidelity, perspective-taking also encourages compassion for partners' emotions and helps strengthen the relationship. 'People invariably feel better understood, and that makes it easier to resolve disagreements, to be appropriately but not intrusively helpful, and to share joys and accomplishments. It's one of those skills that can help people see the 'us'—rather than the 'me and you'—in a relationship,' Reis concluded.
The next time your heart flutters for the wrong person, perhaps take a moment to step into your partner's shoes. This simple approach may help save your relationship.
